With the holidays quickly approaching, it is quite common for feelings of loss to be amplified.
I know when my family experienced multiple losses in a short time, it brought into question how we did holidays, who was in charge of what, and if we should even celebrate the holidays anymore. Here are some common questions that can come up during the holiday season (or around significant days) and things to consider as you are working to understand and navigate your own grieving process.
My loved one had a specific tradition around this time of year. Do I continue it?
The question above is an example of where many people can get stuck in their grief process: do I - or do I not - do something that used to be done. It is almost like assigning a “good” or “bad” to what used to be an enjoyable tradition. When we are grieving, we really need to ask ourselves what is most helpful to us - or, conversely, if something is hurting. So for example, when thinking about that activity your loved one used to do, does the idea of continuing it bring back fond memories of your loved one for you? Does it evoke feelings of comfort? Or does it create more hurt and feel more of a hassle? If you find yourself feeling more hurt, maybe this is a sign to reconsider this tradition or even change it.The loss of someone brings about so many changes in our lives. Naturally, it is okay for a tradition to change too.
If I am considering making a new tradition, do I need to include other people affected by the loss in this?
The grieving process is so personal. While we want to be mindful that we are not withdrawing from others as we work through grief, we can also have traditions just for ourselves. It is possible that something that is comforting for you, may not be comforting for others, and THAT IS OKAY. You have the right to incorporate and make traditions that are unique for you and help you through what could be a challenging day or season. It could be something such as visiting your loved one’s favorite restaurant, making a recipe you enjoyed from your loved one, playing their favorite holiday songs, etc. These examples are activities which can be done alone or with others.
Something my family finds comforting for them is not a comfort for me. What should I do?
Grief-expert David Kessler makes a point to emphasize how unique grief is to each person. It is totally possible that other members of your family may want to honor your loved one or continue a tradition, and maybe it doesn’t bring about the same feelings of comfort for you as it does them. It is important for there to be understanding. It is okay for people to have different traditions or ways of honoring loved ones. Maybe this looks like a conversation with your family member emphasizing how you appreciate the invitation but for now you are going to sit this event out.
I don’t even know if I want to celebrate the holidays anymore.
It is totally understandable if you come to this answer. If it doesn’t feel right to continue celebrating a particular day that is totally fine. The key is to make sure you are doing something to take care of yourself.
If you find yourself having difficulty navigating all the emotions that are a part of the grieving process during this time of year, it can also be helpful to get connected to a grief support group or even get scheduled for individual therapy.
Whatever you decide, just know it is important that you are making choices that actively support you and take care of you and do not make this time of year even harder to cope with.
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